Movie Script of "Diary of A Wimpy Kid" Movie

Rodrick : (whispering) Greg?

Greg : (groggily) Hmmm

Rodrick : Greeeegg... (in song)

Greg : What?

Rodrick : Gregg!!!

Greg : Huh! what?

Rodrick : What are you doing? Get up!

            Mom and dad have been calling you for an hour. You are about to late for your first day of middle     school.

Greg : What?

            Oh, geez! How did that happen?

Rodrick : Go, go, go!

            Mom’s about to flip out! She sent me   to get you while she waits in the car!

Frank : (exclaims) What are you doing?

            What’s going on?

Greg : Getting ready for... school.

Frank : Are you insane?

            School doesn’t start till next week. And, FYI, school doesn’t start at 4:00   in the morning!

            You woke up Manny. And if he does not go back down..Good morning!

Susan : There is no way he is going back down. I just wanted to sleep till 6.00

Manny : Bubby!

Frank : Go to bed. I got him.

Susan : Greg, what are you doing up making all this noise?

Greg : It was Rodrick! He woke me up! He changed my clock!

Rodrick : (snoring)

Greg : But I swear, he was just..

Susan : Go to bed.

Frank : What is that smell? I can’t identify it.

----~*~---

Greg: “Okay, first of all, let me get this straight: this is a JOURNAL  not a diary.”

 “Yeah,  I know what it says on the cover, but when Mom went out to buy this thing I spesifically told her not to get me a book that said “DIARY” on it. This just proves that Mom doesn’t understand anything about kid my age. If I walk into my first day of middle school carrying this book around, I might as well be wearing a sign that says “punch me”!

THE CARTOON DRAWING FROM THE BOOK OF THE BULLY DISCOVERING GREG’S DIARY.  The drawing becomes animated: the bully punches Greg, sending him and the “diary” flying.THE

Bully: Sissy!

BACK ON GREG  

Greg : “The only reason I agreed to write in this thing is because one day when I’m rich and famous I’ll have better things to do than answer peoples’ stupid questions all day long.

INSERT SHOT: THE CARTOON DRAWING FROM THE BOOK OF GREG AT THE PRESS CONFERENCE.

The drawing becomes animated as reporters shout questions at Greg.

Male Reporter : Gregory!  Tell us about your     childhood!

Female Reporter : Were you always so smart     and handsome?

Greg : (waves his journal at them).

Greg : Here is my journal. Now, shoo, shoo.

Susan : That’s our boy.

Frank : Why did I ever say no to him?

BACK TO GREG 

Greg : Mom got me this thing so i could write   down my feelings about starting            middle school. But i’m gonna be fine.

            It’s my best friend, Rowley Jefferson,    I’m worried about. He’s definitely not   middle school  ready.

Rowley : Geronimo! (whoops)

Greg : He’s not quite clear on the concept of     growing up.

Rowley : I want a puppy, a kitty, a gumball       machine...

Greg : But anyway, this is about me, not           Rowley. I always figured the’d make a   movie            about my life. But I didn’t        think the’d start the story here.

            Because, seriously, who wants to see a movie about a kid who’s stuck in          middle school with a bunch of              morons

----~*~---

Rodrick : Three days, no shower, smell the love!

Greg : Let me go, Rodrick!

Rodrick : Come on we’re having just some fun, right?

            No, okay. So, look. Mom asked me to give you some advice about middle school. And it’s real simple.

            Don’t talk to anyone. Don’t look at anyone. Don’t go anywhere.

            Don’t sit down. Don’t raise your hand. Don’t go to bathroom.

            Don’t get noticed. Don’t choose the wrong locker. Don’t... who am I kidding? You’ll be dead or home             schooled by the end of the year, anyway.

            And don’t be seen with Rowley,

----~*~---

Manny : (exclaiming)

Greg : Manny stop it!,

            Moom.. I think it’s gross and    undegnified  that i have to eat   breakfast next to him on the potty

Mommy : okey well It was your fault  he is still potty training

Greg: Don’t look down Manny, the potty  monster doesn’t like it when you look  at him

Manny : (Looks down and scream loudly)

Greg : I was joking with him.

Susan : Okay. Kiss him you’re sorry and then let’s get a move on. Can’t be late for your first day of school.

---~*~---

SCHOOL BELL RINGING

Let me just say for the record that I think middle school may be the dumbest idea ever invented. You hot kids like me who haven’t hit their growth spurt yet. Mixed in with gorillas who have to shave twice a day. There is juvenile delinquents and weirdos. I’m smaller than about 95% of the kids at my school..

Chirag: Give it back! Stop!

 So thank God for Chirag Gupta.

Chirag : it is mine! Stop!

Boys : Can I have the backpack?

            You got to jump higher. It’s not yours!

He is an excelent buffer between me and these morons.

Boy : Hey, Greg

Greg : Hey, fellow!

Seriously, I don’t know what happened to these kids over the Summer. Was there a nuclear accident? Science experiment gone bad? Thank God there are few normal people or this place would be total freak show.if you’re as discrimanting as I am, It can be tough to figure out where to sit on your first day of middle school. One bad move, And you’re stuck next to some idiot for the rest of the year.

Rowley : Greg!

Remember how I said Rowley wasn’t middle school ready?well there you go.

Rowley : Holla amigos (speak spanish)

Greg : What are you wearing?

Rowley : My family just got back from Guatemala: It’s my serape! Nice, huh?

Greg : (silent)

TEACHER IS COMING

Mrs. Flint : All right, class. I’m Mrs. Flint.        Everybody take your seats!

            Welcome to your first day of middle      school. Remember your seats.

            You will be sitting here everyday.

---~*~---

Greg : Rowley, if you had to say were you         were ranked in terms of popularity        from one to 200,

            where would you put yourself?

Rowley : is 200 good or bad?

Greg : I’d say you’re somewhere around the      154 mark. I’d put myself around           number 19 or 20.

            I might even have a shot at the top       spot by the end of the year, if things     go the way I think they will.

Rowley : Well, who’s at the bottom?

Fregley : Hey guys wanna see my secret            freckle?

Greg & Rowney : Eewww (groan)

Fregley. Sent home for hygiene issues at least once a month.

Fregley: Check it out! It is got a hair in it!

Rowney : What colour is that?

Fregley : You wanna help me name it?

TEACHER IS COMING

Mr. Malone : All right ladies, gather around!     Come on, put the knitting down! Let’s go! Alll right everybody, I’m coach        Malone and I am your gym teacher.

            P.E. is as much a part of my life as        waking up in the morning and going to             the bathroom.

            I live and breathe physical education.    Now, who’s with me? Are you ready     to have some fun out there?

Rowley : Yeah..

Mr. Malone : All right, outstanding!

            So we’re gonna divide you up   into      two teams. So you two, over here.         You, you, you this way.

            Yeah, you three, this side. Good.

            You guys are going to be shirts! And     you will be skins.

Greg : Why are we skins? I hate this.

Chirag : He’s just trying to make kids like us     feel bad.

Greg : What do you mean kids like us?

            I just don’t want to get a sunburn         right, Rowley?

Rowley : (in robotic voice) My name is bell e,    button. What’s yours?

Mr. Malone : Okay, let’s start off with a little    game I like to call gladiator.

Boy 1 : I got this one!

Boy 2 : No!

Boy 3 : Take that!

Chirag : Cover  me!

Rowley : Oh God!

Rowley & Greg : (run in opposite way)

Chirag : Not good!

Rowley : We’re never going to be able to           outrun these guys!

Greg : We don’t have to outrun them!

            We just have to outrun Chirag!

Rowley : Think they saw us?

Greg : No way. They were focused on getting    that kid with the limp..

            We’ll hide here for the rest of the          class. Because i’m not playing that        game. It is not fair.

            He’s got all the Neanderthals on the      same team. Its barbaric!

Angie : It’s completely barbaric. This place is    an intellectual wasteland.

            But, you know, it’s nice to meet           someone who more interested in his      mind than in his body.

Rowley : You girls get to jump rope. What are   you doing hiding?

Angie : Avoiding the pain.it all starts in            middle school, you know?

            You are not a kid anymore. The            coddling has stopped. Kids are now       separated by intelligence.

            The weak are picked on. And girls         you’ve known since kindergarten          won’t even talk to you anymore.

Greg : Okey, well, sounds like you got it all       figured out, so go back to your book.

Angie: (keep silent) ignoring.

            This place is a glorified holding pen.

Mr. Malone : All the way! All the way! You’re like a machine!

Angie : Tt’s where adults put you as you make that awkward transition between child   and teenager So they don’t even have          to look at you. Hi. I’m angie.

Greg : Great story. We’re gonna go now.

Rowley : Why? This is a good spot.

Angie : It is a perfect spot. I survived all of the sixth grade here. And I would enjoy      some like-minded company to get me       through the seventh.

Greg : Is that the whistle? Oh I think i hear the             whistle. We need to go.

Rowley: (following Greg)

Mr. Malone : No showboating, all right?

Rowley : Why are we leaving? We could get      killed out here in the open!

Greg : Put your shirt on. They’ll think we’re     on their team. Besides, getting crushed is better than being seen with that          freak job. Trust me, you can’t recover   fom social suicide.

Rowley : I never talked to a girl that long          before.

Greg : Wow, check that out!

Rowley : (look at the cheese) is that cheese?

Chirag : Stop!! Good god, man! You almost      got the cheese touch.

Rowley and Greg : (feeling surprised)

Greg : The what?

Chirag : Nobody knows when or how, but ine    day that cheese mysteriously appeared   on the blacktop.

            Nobody knew who it belonged to.         Nobody touched it. Nobody threw it      away. And so there it sat, growing more foul and powerful by the day.

            Then one day, a kid named Darren        Walsh made the biggest mistake of his life.

Girl : Darren touched the cheese!

Darren : No, I didn’t! I just looked at it!            Really!

Chirag : Darren had the cheese touch!  It was    worse than nuclear cooties. He became an outcast. The only way to get rid of         the cheese touch was by passing            it on someone else.

            And so began the cheese touch frenzy. Friend turning on friend. Brother          turning on sister. It was madness. Until a German             exchange student          named Dieter Muller took it away.

Boy : Dieter has the cheese touch!

Chirag : Sadly for Dieter, that fact was lost in    translation. Thankfully, he moved         back to Dusseldorf and took the            cheese touch with him.

            And so the cheese sits, patiently            waiting for its next victim.

Rowley and Greg : Wooow

Chirag : this is a terrible place.

---~*~---

Rowley : No doors?

Greg : No. I’m not pooping until I’m in high     school.

The cafetaria possibly the cruelest place on earth. But I was about to make some kid’s day by sitting next to him.

Greg and Rowney: (stand and bring tray of        meal the other friend realise that they   want to sit)

Boys 1: That seats is saved.

Greg : For who?

Boys 1: It is saved. That one is saved too

Girl 1: So not happening

Girl 2: Uh,, uh-huh

Boys 2: Taken

Rowley : Where are we suppose to eat?

Fregley : I guess this is where all the cool guys hang out.

---~*~---

Fregley must have bumped his head when he was little, like really hard. Okay, Okay

So my first day could have gone better, but at least i wasn’t humiliated.

---~*~---

Rowney : Hey Greg, wanna come over and        play?

Greg : (feeling surprised and then look back)

Quentin : What did he just say to you?

Greg : Oh, I think my ride is here

Quentin : hey guys, so this guys says to that     guy “you wanna come over and play?”

Rowney: Yeah, do you guys wanna play with    us?

---~*~---

See, this is the problem. Right now, I have to take abuse from these morons. But in 20 years, Quentin here will be working for me.

Quentin : Greg, please don’t fire me. I really     need my measly, pathetic job scooping your dog’s poop.

Greg : Whatever. I’ll think about it.

            No, no, no. Vanilla on the bottom and chocolate on the top! I can’t even eat    this!

---~*~---

Greg : ‘Play’ rowley, ‘play’?

            I’ve told you like a billion times that     the guys in our age say “hang out”, not             “play”

Rowley : Oops

Greg : Seriously, if you’re not gonna listen to    me, just tell me because if you pull       another stunt like that, we’ll be             stuck    on the cafetaria floor for the rest of       middle school.

Rowley : I found half a snickers bar down          there.

Greg : I can’t be the Guy who eats off his lap    in cafetaria. I should be at the top of     the food chain by now. Something’s       got to change, fast.

Rowley : My mom told me to just be myself      and people woud like me.

Greg : That would be good advice if you were    somebody else.

Rodrick : Hey, little brother. Was your first       day as crappy as i said it would be?

Greg : No. Not at aall. You were wrong. It was actually that..

Rowley : Worse.

Rodrick : You didn’t listen to me, did you?

            I told you not to talk. Look or go           anywhere, and what happened?

Rowley : He had to eat his lunch on the floor.

Greg : Rowley!

Rodrick : Perfect!

            And if nobody wants you sitting at        their table, you think they want            chummy buttons over here?

            I was right. You’re not even gonna       make it out of there alive.

            The only chance you have of making    the yearbook is when they dedicated it to your memory.

Rowney : So, you wanna play twisted wizard?

Greg : No I have a better idea

---~*~---

Rowley : If he catches you in here, he will kill   you. Literarry, kill you.

Greg : Don’t worry. As long as we hear the       music, we’re okay.

Rowley : Wow I didn’t know Rodrick was into motorcycles.

Greg : I found it.

Rowley : Found what?

Greg : Rodrick’s middle school yearbook. This   thing holds all the answers.

            Rowley, this thing is like a bible.

             See this? This is where a person like     me needs to be. The class favourite.

            They’re the best in their class. These     people aren’t nobodies. They are           famous. They don’t have to worry          about getting a seat in the cafetaria,      either.Check this out, there’s tons of thIngs I qualify for.

            “Most likely to succeed”, “Best             looking”, “class clown”.  They should   just give that to me right now.

Rowley : Don’t you have to be funny for that?

            Hey! We could try for cutest friends!

Rodrick : What did I tell you would happen if    you ever went in my room again?

Rowley : But your band is still playing.

Rodrick : It’s the bass solo, turd burglar!

            Don’t you know anything about            music?

            Now, I came here to get a new drumstick, and Now, Greg, since mom and dad are gone, I’m going to kill           you. Literarry kill you!

Rowley : I told you.

Rodrick: Beat it!

Rowley: Okay, but I just want to say one           thing! Run, Greg, run!

Rodrick: What! Let go, baby hippo!

---~*~---

Rodrick : (laughing)  You’re gonna have to       come out sometime, loser!

            I’ll wait here as long as it takes. And     then, you’re dead.

Greg : Time out rodrick, i have to pee

Rodrick: No time outs, only death!

Greg : But i really have to go

Rodrick : I don’t care

---~*~---

Greg : Move over, i’m dying

Manny: (surprise and shouts)

Rodrick : Got you!

AND THEN GREG PEE ON RODRICK, BOTH OF THEM SCREAM LOUDLY

Susan : Greg, did you throw Manny off his...     What is going on?

Rodrick : Greg started it. I just came in here to take a shower

Greg : He’s lying! He was gonna kill me            ‘cause I was in his room!

Susan : And you pee on him?

Greg : Yes, I mean no, I mean..

Rodrick : Yess!

---~*~---

Rowley: Wow there are a lot to sign up for.       You could be class favourite in a           bunch of thing. Jazz dancing, we could    do that one together.

Greg : I can’t believe all these activities. They   are all so much work.

            Staying after school, meeting before s   chool, on weekends.

            What kind of extracurricular activities   are these?

Patty : Out of my way!

Greg & Rowley: (not respond)

Patty : Who let you into school, Greg Heffley?

Greg : I was thinking the same thing about       you, Patty Farrel.

Patty : You listen to me, Greg Heffley.

            I’m running for president and i’m         warning you, If you get in my way, i     will beat you up, just like i did in            kindergarten and fourth grade.

Rowley : Fourth frade? That one was ugly.

Greg : What’s her problem? What did I ever      do to her?

FLASHBACK

Little Greg : Patty, Patty is a fatty, has a face    just like a ratty!

Little patty : (crying)

---~*~---

Greg : Come on, that was pretty funny.

            She needs to get a sense of humor.

            And i need something to make me a      class favourite.

Angie: What about class favourites?

Greg : Don’t u ever say “hi” or hello before       you start talking?

Rowley : Hi

Girl : Hello

Rowley :Oh, Greg is only here because he         really wants to be something..

Greg : Rowley!! (shows the mimic which tell    Rowley to shut up).

            I was just saying that i would really       like to nail these people because it is     so obvious that they are only doing            these activities to get in the yearbook.

Angie : You know, i really like your point of     view, you should sign up to the school paper. We are the voice of people. Well, people are mostly idiots, so I        guess technically speaking.

            We are the voice of the people, making fun of the people.

Greg : Thanks but i can’t be on the paper          because i am gonna be in the paper a     lot.

            So, that would be a conflict of interest.

Angie : You’re the people, got it.

Greg : Do you believe me now? That girl is       crazzy town.

Rowley: Look, they have wrestling!

Greg : That’s it! I’m great at wrestling. I’ve       watched it for years, I know all the        moves. Tombstone piledriver. Chair      shot. Vader bomb.

Audience : Heffley! Heffley! Heffley!

---~*~---

Greg : Okay. Something is very wrong here.

Rowley : These don’t look like wrestling           costumes to me.

Mr. Malone : Welcome to wrestling, you           future olympians! So, just to make        sure we all get off on the right foot            and nobody gets seriously injured,

            We’re gonna teach you a few basic        moves. Remember, this is about            learning the sport and having fun!

            All right. It’s not a competition             because everyone here is already a         superstar to me. Coach brewer, can you step over hee for a moment,

            That’s known as a speed takedown.       Nice job, coach brewer.

            Can you gey up and come behind me?

            Put one arm over my shoulder? Let’s    go, yeah. You got it, walk it off, come   on. That was known as the arm drag.

            Let’s give coach brewer a hand,             everybody! He is fine Yeah, Heffley.

Greg : what about piledrivers and vader bomb?

Mr. Malone : That is fake wrestling.

            This is real wrestling! Let’s go!

Greg : If I have to wrestle Benny wells, he’ll     kill me!

Mr malone : Let’s move! Come on!

            Okay, to keep this fair, i’ve divided       you into weight categories by your        size. So rottweilers over here.    Bulldogs, you stay right there. And we got two cihuahua. Yes

Greg : Nice head gear.

Fregley : Thanks. My mom let me borrow it.

Mr malone : All right, let’s see what you got.

Greg : Don’t worry, Fregley, I’ll take it easy      on you.

Fregley : (exclaiming and push Greg down)

Greg : Hey,  I wasn’t ready.

Mr. Malone : Nobody’s keeping score, but that was a sweet speed takedown, Fregley!

Fregley : This is fun Greg Heffley

All : Fregley! Fregley! Fregley!

Greg : Blow the whistle, blow the whistle!

Mr Malone : (blow the whistle)All right!           Fregley! Outstanding! And let’s.. let’s   hear it for our other winner.

Rowley : (clapping his hand and scream            loudly)

---~*~---

Greg : I can’t lose to Fregley again.

            If I get beat by the weirdest kid in         school, nobody’s ever gonna let me sit at their table.

Rowley : How are you going to beat him?

            It’s like he had superhuman strength!

Greg : I’m not gonna beat him. I’m gonna gain             10 pounds this week. Then you and I    can wrestle each other.        Ready?

Rowney : Can i throw at you now?

Greg : Later. You’re better at riding than i am, and i’m a better thrower.

---~*~---

IN THE DINNER TABLE

Susan : Greg, save some for ecerybody else,       honey.

Greg : I can’t, i need to bulk up

Susan : why? I think your body looks beautiful just the way it is.

Rodrick : I heard he got his butt kicked at          wrestling. Now what is wrong with       you? Why would you sign up for   something you don’t have to do?

Frank : You signed up for wrestling?

Greg : Kind of.

Rodrick : You never sign up for anything at      school. You fly below the radar.

            That way you never raise anyone’s        expectations.

Frank : Thank you, Rodrick, for those words      of motivational wisdom, but perhaps a better way to look at it is that is a chance to learn to excel at something

Rodrick  : Well, what could I learn at school      that I can’t teach myself?

Frank : Well, Greg, I think it’s great that you    took the initiative to learn something    new.            This is like the first step to        responsibilty!    My boss’s son will        was smaller than you, but he built           himself up with the weights!

            Yeah. We could get you the same         equipment. You could train, get the r    ight nutrition, Cardio. You’d be in tip-         top shape just like will. And it would    only take, like three months.

Greg : Three months?

Frank : Yeah

Greg : I’ll just stick in eating

---~*~---

Mr. Malone : Well, I don’t know where you      put it, Heffley. But you gained 10         pounds and joined the bulldog class.

Greg  : Yes.

Rowley : I thought you didn’t gain any weight this week.

Greg : My mom’s ankle weights.

Mr. Malone : All right, Bull dog Heffley. Meet your new opponent.

Greg : What? But this is boy’s wrestling.

Patty : Ever hear of title six?

Mr Malone : Her parents threatenes to sue.

            So you show her what it’s like to          wrestle a real live boy.

Patty: Come on, what you waiting for,huh?

Greg : (silent)

Patty: Don’t be such a wuss, Heffley.

            Make your move!

Greg: (silent) She is a girl!

            Where do i grab her?

Patty : Stay down!

Anggie : Patty, over here! (taking a picture)

Greg : Get off me!

Paty : (ignore him) Can i wrestle somebody       good now?

---~*~---

Angie : Well, look who’s inthe paper.

Rowley : Greg! You’re Famous!

            Right on the front page!

---~*~---

Greg : And if I would have pinned her, which I could have easily,

            You know I would have gotten in         trouble for hurting a girl.

Rowley : Why does she even want to wrestle?

Greg : Who knows? Girls are very confusing.

            Like today, I heard someone in the        hallway say that Brysce Anderson has   a cute butt.

            What does that even mean?

Rowley : A butt can’t be cute. It’s a butt

Greg : I know, but that’s what they were           saying. I don’t see why girls our age      can’t talk just like regular people.

Rowley : So how are you gonna become a         class favorite now?

Greg : Two words. Best dressed.

Rowley : How are you going to do that?

Greg : Fashion is easy. You wear a shirt and a   tie, and kids are impressed.

            I’m telling you, this is gonna work.

---~*~---

Rowley : Ta-da!

Greg : I told you I was wearing this.

Rowley : I know. I wanted to be matchers!

Boy : Check them out!

All students : (singing) Greg and Rowley           sitting in the tree. They are kissing.       First come love..

You know, maybe Rodrick was right about Rowley. Maybe I do need a new bestfriend. But I can’t just ditch him. I mean, if anybody has a better idea, I’d love to hear it.

---~*~---

VIDEO PLAY: in this school much lke you own, one boy is about to learn an important lesson. About self-worth and esteem.

Girl in the video : Gag me with a spoon. That    guy is so unpouplar, I’d hate to be         him. Eww

Boy in the video : Why doesn’t anybody like     me?

Brock : Maybe because they don’t know how    awesome you really are.

Boy in the video : Brock Branigan P.i! what      are you doing here?

Brock : I’m here to solve the case of the boy      who just needed to be himself.

            So go for it! Show then how awesome   you really are!

Boy in the video : Hey guys, do you like break   dancing?

Girl in the video : That is totally rad!

Other boy in the video : Wicked. You should     sit with us at lunch, friend.

Boy in the video : Sweet! It really is awesome   to be me! Thanks, Brock

---~*~---

Teacher : Okay. Let’s talk about what we’ve      learned.

I don’t know about what I learned. It is awesome to be me. The problem with Rowley is that he’s not enough like me. I can’t ditch him ‘cause he’d be lost without me. But maybe I can fix him. Because that’s the kind of friend I am.

Rowley : What are you doing?

Greg : Making your clothes more middle-          school friendly. Look at this stuff. Too babyish and weird. Too “ why don’t       you just punch me now?”

            What are you, a foreign exchange          student? Oh man this one, we  burn.

Rowley : That was a present from  my mom.

Greg : Well then your mom is trying to get you             killed

Greg : Ready, steady, go

Rowley : (follow the command)

Greg : No,no,no. You look like one of the         seven dwarfs. You only need one          strap. One strap is cool. 

Rowley : But there’s two straps. Why would     they put on two straps?

            If you’re only supposed to use one?

Greg : Because the guys who make backpacks   aren’t cool. If they were cool, the’d       give it one strap. Like the cool one-            strap guys do. You know what has one strap? Machine guns. You know what       else? Electric guitars.

            You know what else?

Rowley: Purses?

---~*~---

Rowley: But Joshie is cool.

Greg : Rowley, Joshie is not cool.

            He’s a lip-synching pop star whose        fans are eight-year-old girls.

Rowley : You’re just jealous that i was the one who discovered him.

Greg : Who are you gonna listen to, Rowley?    Me or Joshie?

Rowley : Joshie says to respect your parents      and follow your dreams.

            Then Joshie must get beaten up a lot.

---~*~---

Greg  : You actually almost look as good as       me. Am I great at this or what?

            There’s Bryce Anderson. Just be cool.               Hey Bryce.

Rowley : Yeah, Hey, Bryce. Cute butt!

Greg : You’re killing me, you know that?

            Look rowley, tonight is halloween, our favourite night of the year

            So, just promise me you won’t wear,     do or say anything weird.

---~*~---

Greg : You’re kidding me right?

Rowley : My  mom wanted  me to be visible at night.

Greg : From space?

---~*~---

Greg : So, we’ll hit a few houses on the way to the north side, Which is where we’ll     do most of our trick-or treating.

Rowley : Why are we going all the way over      there?

Greg : It’s where the rich people live. T

            hey hand out, like, two, three peces of   big candy to each kid.

            Not that candy corn crap.

            I’m taliking about full-size milky          ways and nutter butters.

            Plus, if we time it right, rich people       get tired of answering their doors

            and just leave   the bowl out. We can    clean up.

Rowley : Wow, you’re lucky. My mom doesn’t let me play with makeup           anymore.

Rodrick: Shut up, tool. Loded diper’s got a gig tonight. Hmm.. Going to the northside,             huh? Takes you right past the devil       worshiper woods.

Greg : The devil worshiper woods?

Rodrick : You know about that story, right?

            Well, there used to be this house right   here where these woods are.

            They had to tear it down because what happened there was so terrible.

Rowley : What happened there?

Rodrick : Well, a long time ago, two kids who   were, I don’t know. Maybe in middle    school They trick-or-treated at that      house on Halloween night.

            But the house was full of devil worshipers, who put the kids in these    giant pizza ovens. And they cooked           them and they ate them. But they         forget to turn off the ovens.

            So the house burned down with            everyone in it.

Rowley : How’d the trees get there?

Rodrick : And then they planted trees.

Rowley : Oh

Rodrick : And to this Halloween night,

            You can still hear the demomic             laughter of the devil worshiper ghosts.

            As they roam the woods, looking for     more kids to sacrifice!

Frank : Hey, Rodrick. I need you to help me      out. Like.. are you wearing eyeliner?

Kids : Trick or treat!

Frank : Susan!

Susan : I’m on door duty!

Girl : Thank you.

Manny : Bubby!

Greg : Mom, can you tell him to stop calling     me like that? How if somebody hears?

Susan : Then they’ll know how much he loves you. Frank, Frank, honey, honey, can    you go with them?

Frank : No, I can’t. I got to guard the house. In             case someone tries to T.P. us. They’re             gonna get drenched from the roof.

Susan : Honey, for goodness sakes, don’t do      that again.

            Remember what happened last year?

FLASHBACK

Frank : I got you!

COMEBACK

Frank : I thought they were teenagers. And I     couldn’t see through the bushes.

            My legs, they hurt from the squatting.

            So, that’s why I’m doing it from the     roof this year. So I can see when           they’re coming

Greg : Can we go now?

Susan : Yes, go but stay in the neighborhood.

Kids : Treak or treat!

Susan : And no northside.

Greg : We promise

Greg : We got to stay in this neighborhood the rest of the night.

Rowley : That guy gave me two full-size           snickers!

Greg : Did I tell you or did I tell you?

            These people have money to burn!

Rowley : I can’t believe we got this much         candy.

Greg : This is, like the best day ever.

Carter : Hey, reflector dude, nice costumes!

Rowley : Thanks! My mom made it..

Carter : Oh, that was awesome!

Greg : I saw you plates! We’re calling the          cops! Uh-oh

Rowley : Oh, boy.

Greg : Run!

Carter : Hey, they are going through the yard!

            Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

Rowley : Where are we going? We’re totally      exposed!

Greg : My grandma’s house!

Rowley : Quickly! They are coming! Hello?

Greg : That’s not helping! She’s not home!       bingo night.

Carter : Okay, you guys are deads.

Rowley :  Open the door! Get the key!

Greg : Okay. Okay.

Rowley :  Open the door! Get it!

Carter : Come on, Lets get them, boys.

Rowley : They are coming! Now!

Carter : Oh I got you now!

Pete : Hey, hey! Come on, you babies!

            I’m gonna kick your butts!

Greg : Yeah? You and what army?

Carter : Whatever.

Pete : You guys are so lucky hide in there         behind your mommy!

Rowley : No, we aren’t! It’s not our house!

            It’s his grandma’s and she’s not even    home!

Greg : What? Why would you tell them that?

Carter : Did he just say that?

Rowley : Oops

Greg : Now they’re never gonna leave. You       need to call your mom to get us.

            Mine’ll kill me if she knows we’re         here.

Rowley : Mine will, too. She thinks you’re bad influence. She’s right.

Greg : Then we’re gonna have to bust out of     here.

---~*~---

Pete : You have three?

Carter : Go fish! Hey what’s that?

Greg : Just back off! I don’t want to hurt           anybody.  I just want to walk away        and forget this ever happened .      Nobody needs to be an hero!

Pete : (silent) Are you kidding me?

            I’m gonna rip off your arms and punch you in the face with your own fists!

Rowley : They are gaining!

Greg : This way!

Rowley : The devil worshiper woods! No way!

Pete : Hey! Stay right there! We’re gonna get    you!

Carter : They’re going into the woods.

            No, no way I go into devil worshiper     woods. Uh-uh

Pete : This isn’t over!

---~*~---

Rowley : I’m really scared!

Greg : Just keep running!

Rowley : Did you hear that? It’s the devil          worshipers.

Rowley and Greg : scream loudly and run!

Fregley : Guys!

---~*~---

Rowley : Are we safe?

Greg : Yeah. And we made it with still a ton of             candy.

Frank : Sorry. I was.. I thought you were           teenagers.

Boy : Maybe next year, pops!

Frank : Hey!

---~*~---

TELEVISION SCHOOL : so anyone else exhibiting symptoms of pink eye. Should contact the nurse immediately. In field trp news. Consent forms are going out today for our annual history of plumbing excursion. In sport news..

Bryce : (speaking pig latin)

Collin : (laughing) yeah.

Greg : Are they talking about me?

Rowley : I don’t know. I don’t speak Russian.

TELEVISION SCHOOL :.. and finally, some positions have opened up for the safety patrol. If anyone is interested, see Mr. Winsky after homeroom.

Now that’s what I’m talking about. Safety patrol. The cops of middle school. You boss people around, reports the jerks, and miss class three times a week.

Mr. Winsky : Safety patrol is a sacred trust.

             When you put it on this vest and that badge you become a protector of the      weak. You become enforcer of the laws of this school,

            Because today’s literer and jaywalker,

            Is tomorrow’s window breaker and        graffiti vandal. And it’s our job to stop it. So I ask you, are you up for the job?

Greg and Rowley : Yes!

Mr. Winsky : then welcome to safety patrol.

            Just remember, with great power..         (showing the costume)

Greg and Rowley: Whoa...

Mrs. Winsky : .. comes great responsibility.

            Now, you get your first assignment       just after lunch, So you’ll be excused    from the first 20 minutes of sixth            period.

Rowley : But that means we’ll miss algebra..     ouch! ( Greg steps on his foot)

Greg : Do we get free stuff?

---~*~---

Greg : Free hot cocoa. Could this day get any    better?

Collin: Whoa, is that cocoa?

Greg : Sorry, safety patrol only

Rowley: Sorry

---~*~---

Angie : You rejected the scool paper, but you    joined the safety patrol?

            Look, are you working your way           down the evolutionary ladder?

Greg : What?

Angie : Look, safety patrol is the lowest of the low, the geekiest of the geeky,

            the island of     misfit toys.

Greg : You’re just jealous they don’t trust you to keep our school safe.

            Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to        secure the perimeter.

---~*~---

SAFETY PATROL DUTY

Kids : I’m hungry,

Greg : Keep it straight, people. single-file line,   one by one

Rowley : Greg! It’s those guys from      halloween! What do we do?

Pete : Come on, man, just pull my finger.

            I swear to God, I’m not gonna do          anything.

Greg : Everybody, shoulder to shoulder. Shoulder to shoulder.

            Go. Go!

Carter : Whoa, Whoa,

Rowley : That was close.

Greg : Too close

 It’s times like these that make me realize Rowley’s pretty lucky to have me as a friend.

Rowley : And I got twisted wizard two and a     new bike! And we’re going to take a      family trip to New York city for New         Year’s Eve! What did you get?

Greg : My dad got me a weight-lifting set.

            Do you know how many video games    I could’ve gotten instead?

            I had to get out of there before jhe        expected me to, like, use it.

            Anyway, let’s play some twisted            wizard two at you house.

Rowley : Probably not a good idea. My dad is    still annoyed at you

Greg : For what?

Rowley : Remember that secret language we     made up last week?

            FLASH BACK

Greg : Your-pa dad-pa smells-pa like-pa a          woman-pa.

                        COMEBACK

Rowley : I think he cracked our code

Greg : We should probably do something           outside

Rowley: Why can’t you ride and I throw at        you first?

Greg : My legs kind of hurt from walking over   here. (Throw ball to Rowley)

Greg : Okey rowley, come on. Get up. Shake it off

Greg : Are you sure the doctor was right?

            It really didn’t look that broken to me.

Rowley : Yeah, it’s broken. the x-ray never       lies.

Shelly: Oh, my gosh. What happened?

Rowley : I broke it

Girl 2 : How?

Rowley : Big wheel accident.

Shelly : You are funny (giggling)

Girl 2 : Can i sign your cast?

Shelly : Me too.

Rowley: Why, sure

Greg : Hey, I’m the one who broke his hand

Shelly : Then you are a jerk!

Girl 3 : Does it hurt?

---~*~---

Shelly : Rowley, you are so funny.

After I stood I couldn’t believe it! Rowley was eating at an actual table because of something I did! Where is my credit?and he’s right handed! He can feed himself just fine.

Angie : So, how’s that class favourite thing       working out for you?

Greg : Great.

                                            

I realized Rowley’s injury thing was a pretty good racket.

Greg : Hey guys. Check it out.

Shelly : Oh my gosh, what happened?

Greg : It’s a raging infection caused by a           splinter that was left untreated

             want to be the first to sign my symphaty sheet?

Shelly :  no

Fregley : I will sign it Greg Heffley, if you’d      let me look at your infection

---~*~---

Rowley : And on the x-ray, you could see          where the bone snapped right in half.

Collin : I had the exact same break last year,      and it got all purple!

Rowley : Cool! Mine, too!

Chirag : Hey Gregory, want to sign the card?

Greg : You got rowley a card?

Chirag : what? No. This is for Bryan Little

            You know, the guy who writes the        wacky dwag cartoons for the school       paper? He has mono and he’s going to      be out for three months.

Greg : That really stinks.  so just out of             curiousity, who’s gonna do the cartoon?

Chirag : They’re having try outs, but the           important thing is Bryan gets better

Greg : Absolutely

Bryan litlle getting mono was Destiny. I draw cartoons all the time. I’m gonna win this.

I decided to go ahead and forgive Rowley for milking the broken hand so hard and I told him he could work on the cartoon with me.

Rowley: so i was thinking we could do something like this!

            Oops, I stepped in a puddle!, at least      it’s not an acid puddle.

             Oy,oy,oy! It is an acid puddle! Zoo-      wee-mama! Zoo-wee mama!

Greg : It’s the same joke everytime.

Rowley : Yeah! Zoo-wee mama!

Greg : We can’t just do the same thing over      and over.

Rowley : we can if it’s zoo-wee mama.

Greg :  Tt has to be more sophisticated.

            (Drawing Creighton) I wonder what is   in this cute little box.

            (Drawing cartoon of Creighton’s           friend) It is not a box, It’s a brick, you   dumb moron.

            (Drawing Creighton) oops! I’ve been     trying to open it all day!

Rowley : Can he say ‘zoo-wee Mama’?

Greg : No, it’s not funny

Rowley : Oh, well  I think it is. I like zoo-wee   mama

Greg : You know what, if you like it so much,   then why don’t you go do it yourself?

Rowley; Okay, i will. see you

---~*~---

Greg; Hey I forgot my raincoat, so i’m gonna    need you to walk the kids home today

Rowley : i cant, i can’t get my cast wet. You     can borrow my coat

---~*~---

Kids : Where’s Rowley?

Greg : He couldn’t get his cast wet!

Kids : He walks us better.

Greg : (Realize there is carter and pete) Oh no!

             Oh, my gosh! Space monsters!

            They are going to eat us, unless we can get into that hole!

            Come on, people, move it! Now, people! We’re gonna get eaten!

            Come on! Don’t worry! I’m right behind you!

Kids : Whoa!

Mrs. Irvine: Hey! Rowley Jefferson, is that        you?

Greg : Yes, Mrs. Irvine! Sorry, kids!

MRSS. IRVINE COMES TO THE KIDS

Kids : Are you going to eat us?

---~*~---

SCHOOL TELEVISION : and though doctors assure us that Mrs. Cheznik is no longer contagious, the cafetaria nachos bar will be closed for the raemainder of the week. And now, what you’ve all been waiting for. The faculty, student council and editors have all met and selected the new cartoonist for the school paper. And the winner is.. “zoo-wee mama” by Rowley Jefferson! (all student cheering)

Greg : what?

SCHOOL TELEVISION : That is funny!

Students : Great job. Zoo-wee mama.

I couldn’t believe it. Am I the only one who gets comedy?

Girl1 : Rowley will you put me on your cartoon?

Rowley: Sure

Girl2 : And me too, i want to be the one who says “zoo-wee mama”

Rowley : You got it

Angie : Hey, Rowley, congratulations.

Rowley : Thanks.

Angie : No problem. You know, I read all the

            submissions and yours was by far the best. I read yours, too.

Bryce : Hey Rowley

Rowley : Hey, bryce.

Greg : Yeah, hey, Bryce.

Bryce : Hey, Fellow

Rowley : Wow. Everyone knows me now.

            It;s like I’m famous! Isn’t this great?

Greg : Yeah.

Mr. Winsky : Rowley Jefferson?

            I need to see you in my office, now.

Mr. Winsky : I just took a call from mrs. Irvine about what happened to the kindergarten Last week. She was very upset and so am I.

Rowley : What?

Mr. Winsky : You violated the sacred trust.

            This..  this badge is supposed to mean something, and you just spat on it.

            I can barely even look at you.

Rowley : Ireally don’t...

Mr. Winsky : Just save it.

            You are officially suspended from safety patrol. And I expect a full  apology to the kindergarteners.

Rowley : Yes, sir.

Greg : Hey. What did he heve to say?

Rowley : I’m kicked off. I don’t even know what he’s talking about.

Greg : Rowley?

Rowley : What?

Greg : Nothing.

---~*~---

Susan : You’ve been home for an hour and haven’t badgered me for any snacks.

            Are you feeling okay?

Greg : Well i’m kind of in a tough situation. I   know something. And if I tell the truth about it, it could hurt somebody. But if I don’t, it could hurt somebody else.

Susan : Well, you have to trust your gut and try to do the right thing,

            Because it’s our choices that make us who we are. Okay

I was up all night. Tossing and turning thinking about my mom’s advice. And i finally decided to do the right thing.

Rowley : I’m sorry I terrorized you, children.

Kids : What?

I decided to let Rowley take one for the team. But I’m not entirely sure that was the right call.

---~*~---

Greg : Hey, What is going?

Rowley : Well, I was pretty upset being   suspended from safety patrol,

             but then I just started drawing a bunch of zoo-wee mamas. And I felt better.

            Look. I put you in this week’s cartoon.

            And you even get to say “zoo-wee mama”

Greg : Wow. That’s really nice.

            So listen. It’s kind of funny, you  know, the whole safety patrol thing.

Rowley : Yeah?

Greg : Ready for the funny part? Well, I’m the one who terrorized those kids!

Rowley : What?

Greg : Yeah, and I think we can both learn some valuable lessons from this.

            Like, I should be more careful what Ido in front of Mrs. Irvine’s house.

            And you, well, you should be more careful who you lend you coat to.

Rowley : You know what, Greg? You’re not a good friend.

Greg : Whoa.How could you even say that? I’m a great friend.

Rowley : If you were a gret friend, you would have told Mr. Winsky the truth.

Greg : Okay, one thing. You can’t get mad about just..

Rowley : You only care about yourself. You hated my cartoon. You made fun of      my clothes. You disrespected Joshie.

            You broke my hand and you didn’t even seem sorry.

Greg : That broken hand was the best thing that ever happened to you!

Rowley: Don’t call me. Don’t come by my house. We’re done.

Greg  : (silent)

I thought the whole thing would blow over. But Rowley was still giving me the silent treatment. Even when I tried to make the first move.

Rowley : So, anyway, I was so angry at him, I didn’t know what to say.

---~*~---

Mr. Winsky : One of the kindergarteners           finally told their parents the whole        story. Greg? You’re relieved of your   duties, effective immediately.

            Rowley, for showing dignity under        false suspicion, I am promoting you

            To team captain.

            Now, that’s a position that I held for     two years. I know you’ll honor it.

---~*~---

Collin : Hey, Rowley, my mom says it’s okay    for me to sleep over tonight.

Rowley : Awesome!

 The whole thing with Rowley is, I was willing to let bygones be bygones. But then he made friends with Collinjust to mess with me. As if I even care if he.. well, you know what?two can play at that game.

---~*~---

Rowley :There’s no goiNg back, sergeant. I       need to board the helicopter.

            Do you have my back?

Collin : I will always have your back, captain.

---~*~---

Greg : Hey

Fregley : Hey Greg Heffely.

Greg : So i was thinking maybe you might        want to have a sleepover?

Fregley : Ya? With Who?

Greg : Me

Fregley : Ya. when?

Greg : Now

Fregley: Greg Heffley, I love you.

            We can be bestfriends forever.

Greg : Okey let’s get inside

Fregley: (follows Greg)

---~*~---

Fregley : I can’t believe it! Greg Heffley’s in      my room! Greg Heffley’s in my room,   Rebecca. What do you want to do,           Greg Heffley? How about twister?

Greg : I’m not really that much of a twister       guy.

Fregley : Candy!

Greg : Wait, no,no,no! Fregley, come on!          Really! I really think we should save     those for later!

            Maybe we should go outside and .....

Fregley : (ignoring request) My mom doesn’t    let me have sugar.

            She says high glucose in my diet           induces hyperactivity.

            But it’s so good! Oh, Greg Heffley,       you want to jumpety-jump?

Greg : Yeah, you know what, Fregley? I just     remembered, I have an appointment a   really important appointment.

            It’s a homework appointment. Yeah,     and I really should be going.

            Get away from me!

Fregley : I can fly. Whoa. How fun, Greg          Heffley! Greg? Greg, Greg, Greg,          I hear you breathing, Greg Heffley. Okay, enough. I’ll show Rowley I don’t need him. When he sees me in the yearbook as most talented, he’s gonna come running back.

Mrs. Flint : Okay since there are so many of      you here auditioning, to save time,

            we’re gonna do a group sing of one of   my favourite songs.

            Please refer to the lyrics on this             handout. I will pick out the best voices and place you accordingly.

Mrs. Flint : Greg Heffley, what a lovely             soprano voice you have. I’m stunned!

            Maybe you should be Dorothy!

Greg : No, no, I can’t be..

Patty : No! Greg Heffley was suspended from    the school safety patrol!

            How can you trust him with the lead     role in the play?

            He can’t be Dorothy! I’m Dorothy!

Mrs. Flint : All right, Patty, calm down.

Patty : I’m Dorothy! I am!

            My mother is the president of the          PTA. She can ruin your life!

Mrs. Flint : Just an idea.

            All right, well, Greg, your voice is too   high for any of the other male roles.

            Perhaps you can be a tree!

Greg : A tree? No way.

Chirag : The trees get to throw apples at Patty Farrell. Haven’t you seen the movie?

---~*~---

Greg : Wait, we don’t get arm holes?

            How are we gonna throw apples at        Dorothy without arm holes?

Mrs Flint : You don’t need arm holes because   nobody’s throwing any apples.

            We’re not doing the movie. In my         version the trees sing. These my dear.

Archie : My tooth! I think I knocked out my     tooth!

Mrs. Flint : Perhaps we should cut out some      arm holes.

Girl : Is he okay?

Greg : You think?

---~*~---

PLAY IS ON

Susan : Isn’t this exciting? Your son’s in a        play.

Frank : Yeah, sure. It’s not wrestling but..

            But at least it’s something.

Patty : Come on, Toto. Let us explore this         magical path!

Chirag : (barking)

GREG GET OUT WITH TREE COSTUMES

Manny : Bubby! Bubby! Bubby!

Greg : Hey, Bubby, I think you dropped an        apple.

Archie : Huh?

---~*~---

Greg : (stop singing)

Mrs Flint : From Yonder land. Wish her Joy      through Journey’s end!

Patty : Sing! Sing!

Greg : (silent)

Patty : Come on greg heffley, stop ruining the   play like you ruin everything else!

            Don’t make me come over to you and   bet you up again!

Fank : What’d you think? I thought he was the             best one up there.

Greg : Hi, mom. Hi, dad. You know I’m..

Frank : I thought Dorothy deserved it.

Greg : Thanks dad!

Frank : You got some good shots in there.

---~*~---

Rodrick : Look what I found in the trash. Guess you threw it away by accident.

Greg: Give it back rodrick!

Rodrick: No way, you want it?

              Come and get it then! Come on!

Susan : Okey boy! Okeey!!

Rodrick : It is for you.

Susan : It’s an invitation for the mother and      son sweetheart dance.

Rodrick : I knew you didn’t want to miss that.

Susan : It looks like alot of fun.

Frank : I think you should go. I think it’d be a   lot of fun.

Fun? that’s the exact opposite of fun! this entire year has been terrible and nobody even cares! My family, my bestfriend. Well, i’m sick of it. Somebody needs to pay.

---~*~---

Greg : Okey manny, i ‘m putting this tootstie    roll  in rodrick’s bagpack.

            It is for rodrick, so whatever you do,      don’t touch the tootsie roll.

Susan : Greg? Coaster. Where’s he.. Manny?     Where did you get that?

Greg : Oh, my. That’s offensive.

---~*~---

Susan : Rodrick? Rodrick! I need to talk to        you inside! Now!

Rodrick : Go ahead and talk. We’re a band and we have no secrets.

Susan : Okey, fine. What is this?

Rodrick : It’s not mine.

Susan : It was in your backpack.

Rodrick : No, it was in my room.

Susan : Does owning this magazine make you   better person?

Rodrick : No

Susan : Did it make you more popular att          school?

Rodrick : Yeah (giggling) No

Susan : How do you feel about having owned    this type of magazine?

Rodrick : Ashamed!

Band mate : Nice!

Susan : Do you have anything you wanna say   to women for having owned this           offensive magazine?

Rodrick : I’m sorry, women

Susan : You’re grounded for two weeks.

Rodrick : Okay, settle down, Susan! I think       one week is plenty!

Susan : Make it four weeks and I’m gonna        need the keys to your van!

Rodrick : My van?

Greg : Yeah! Yeah.

Rowley (on the phone) : Hello? Hello?

---~*~---

Susan : Look at this place! Wanna dance?

Greg : Mom stop dancing, you are         embarassing me.

Susan : Oh come on. I’m just keeping time to   the music.

Greg : I’m begging you, please stop it.

Susan : Oh okey

Susan : Well, if we’re not here to dance,            maybe you should go talk to Rowley.

            I think it’s time you made up.

Greg : I can’t

Susan : Sweetheart, he’s your bestfriend. And   sometimes, when somebody’s worth     it, You just have to put yourself out            there.

Greg : I wouldn’t know what to say.

Susan : Well, I could go for an ice cream after   dance. Maybe you could invite him to   join us.

Greg : Thanks mom

Susan : Yeah.

---~*~---

Greg : Hey rowley

Rowley : Hey

Greg : So, want to go get some ice cream          after?

Collin : I’m sorry we already have plans

Rowley : Yeah, we do

Greg : Oh, fine. My mom wanted me to ask so I did. I didn’t even wanna go.

Susan : Well? Honey, I’m sorry.

---~*~---

Rowley : So i left my racing game at your house and collin is sleeping over tonight so, I need it back

Greg : What? no way

            Finder is keeper,

Rowley : You didn’t find it, i left it

Greg : Fine then leaver is looser.

Rowley : That’s not even a real thing.

Greg : It is if I say it is

Rowley : It’s my game.

Greg : Do you know what?

            You wouldn’t even have that game if I hadn’t told you about it.

            You wouldn’t have the stuff you without me.

Rowley : Yeah, like a broken hand!

Greg : That was a million years ago.

Rowley : It clicks now! Hear that? Click,click,click,click And it’s all your fault!

Greg : It was an accident!

Patty : Kick his butt, Rowley! It’s easy.

            Guys, Greg and Rowley are gonna fight. Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

GREG AND ROWLEY START FIGHTING

Patty : Come on, what’s wrong with you guys? Start punching!

Greg : You start it.

Rowley : You start it!

Greg : No, you! Quit copying me!

Patty : This has got to be the worst fight ever!   Do something!

---~*~---

Pete :    Well, well,well look who have here.      You’re so freaking dead.

            All you huys better scram or I’m           gonna kick your butts, too!

            Not you two.

            You guys have no idea what I’m           gonna do to you.

Carter : Oh, um. What are we gonna do?

Pete : I don’t know. We need to move this        along. My shift at Cinnabon start in      half an hour. I know what we’re gonna             do. Give me the wide one.

            That’s you, let’s go. Pick it up.

Rowley : But..

Pete : Pick it up. Now eat it.

Rowley : No!

Pete : Eat it or i’ll shove the entire thing down your throat.

I don’t even want to say exactly what happened because if Rowley ever tries to run for president and someone finds out what these guys made him do, He won’t have a chance.

Pete : Now you.

Greg : But I’m allergic to dairy! I’ll die and       then you’ll go to jail! And..

Mr. Malone : Hey! What are you doing on         school property?

Pete : Go, go, go!

Carter : Shotgun!

Mr. Malone : Pete Hosey, is that you?

            You boys okay? Yeah?? All right.

Patty : Out of my way! Out of my way!

            Oh, my God. Rowley Jefferson ate

Greg : I ate that cheese! Yeah. I eat it. And you know what, people? I just did you all a huge favor. I ate the cheese to  show you all how stupid this whole school is. The wrong friends. The wrong lunch table. The wrong butt? It’s all meaningless. Just like this  cheese. I know it. You all know it. So come on. Everyone else who’s sick of it, step forward and join me!

Patty : Cheese toch! Greg Heffley had the Cheese touch!

All : Run!

Boy : He’s got the cheese touch!

Angie : Not bad Heffley, Not bad at all.

Greg : So you wanna come over after school and play?

Rowley : Ya, okay.

---~*~---

Patty : Here’s your yearbook. Have a great Summer, 

Girl : Thanks

Patty : Here’s your yearbook. Have a great Summer,  You’re not in it that much.

            Maybe try to get out there little next year.

Angie : You know what, Patty? One day  middle school will end and become high school. And after that, it just becomes life. And all those things you think are important now won’t be \ anymore.

Patty : You wish. As if!

            Handing it you is like touching you and I am too smart to touch somebody who ate the cheese. Rowleeyy!

            Have a great summer! Stay cool.

Greg : Yep, you’re way too smart for me, Patty Farrel.

So the year turned pretty good. My goal was to be a class favourite, and I made it. Even if it wasn’t exactly the way I planned it.

Rowley : Zoo-wee mama!